


Restricting Feelings

by Sakiyama_Shuujis



Category: Inazuma Eleven
Genre: Coming Out, Endou Mamoru is trans and theres nothing you can do about it, Endou needs a hug, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Internalized Transphobia, Kazemaru is a good friend.., Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Trans Endou, Trans Male Character, Trans character written by trans author, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25262599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakiyama_Shuujis/pseuds/Sakiyama_Shuujis
Summary: Bind safely kids
Relationships: Endou Mamoru & Kazemaru Ichirouta, Endou Mamoru/Kidou Yuuto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Restricting Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Bind safely kids

How long had he been feeling this way? 

Endou would ask himself this sometimes, on nights where sleep seemed impossible. 

He couldn’t quite pinpoint when his feelings began, but he remembered his realisation- he had passed the ball back to Kidou after he had taken a shoot, complimenting his technique as usual. It had seemed like every other day, but then Kidou had smiled at him, and oh that smile-

The warmth that ran through him, the tightness in his chest- his feelings were undeniable. 

And it scared him so much. 

Now, staring at the ceiling, clutching his shirt over his pounding heart, the feelings only seemed stronger. He sighed. To fall in love, at first, it was such a wonderful thing, but the more he thought about it the more doubts and worries appeared. His unrequited pining felt so hopeless, he had resigned himself to heartbreak before even considering alternatives. After all, Kidou would never feel the same. How could he?

How could anyone ever fall in love with him?

Having finally given up on trying to sleep, he got up. He walked over to his drawer in complete darkness, a routine he was beyond used to by now. Whenever he found himself like this, consumed by his thoughts, he’d always do the same. He picked up his uniform and binder, changing without daring to look down, even in the dark, just in case. 

He moved carefully, not wanting to make any noise and wake his parents. Not that they were likely to stop him, they were so used to seeing him return home as the sun rose, his body aching and tired. 

At first, he had been apologetic, saying sorry for worrying them and rushing upstairs to bed, but then he started to get defensive. Making excuses and deflecting responsibility, doing his best to make himself seem as small as possible as he left the room. They had tried staying up to stop him, but he didn’t leave every night, and even then he would just wait for them to finally turn in. 

As he sat on the doorstep to tie his laces, the cold night air clawed at his face. It was almost uncomfortable, the striking contrast between the cool breeze and the deep-set warmth of fatigue behind his eyes, but he was used to it by now. He silently locked the front door behind him and set off, only the football under his arms to keep him company.

He quite liked walking through the streets at this time, the strange dark blue filling the gaps between the streetlamps, the strange silence that enveloped the street- it was mesmerising. He always wondered how strange he must look, up at such an hour. But he didn’t mind. As long as it took his mind off his thoughts, or that gut-wrenching dysphoria that made his skin crawl, it was fine. 

Approaching the clearing where he’d always practice, his heart skipped a beat. Despite his tiredness, his worries, despite everything, playing football always felt so freeing. He felt like he could truly be himself. Pouring all of his feelings into each swing of the tire, nothing else seemed to matter. 

He didn’t laugh, he didn’t smile, but he still enjoyed it- the relief.

Even if each stop of the tire sent a wave of pain through his body, even if his movements became sluggish over his fatigue, even if his lungs were screaming at him to please take his binder off- 

It felt good. It was all he had.

He was almost a different person. He remained his usual, jovial self throughout the day, of course, Not wanting anyone to worry, or to question him. But at night, all alone, he felt no need to keep up his spirits. It was better this way, he thought, better for his teammates not to see him like this.

\---

“Oi, Endou, no naps during practice,” Kazemaru nudged his friend with his elbow and handed him a bottle of water.

“Ah, yeah, sorry,” Endou laughed, rubbing his eyes and taking it “Didn’t sleep much last night,”

“Something bothering you?”

Endou knew he couldn’t hide it from him, he and Kazemaru had been friends for as long as either of them could remember, they always knew if the other was upset. Besides, he had no reason to hide anything from him- Kazemaru was one of the few people who knew about him being trans, and he had always supported him. Having a crush on one of his teammates wouldn’t be anything shocking. 

“Mm… could we talk about it after school?”

“Of course, man,” he placed his hand on Endou’s shoulder to reassure him.

“Thanks,” He smiled at the other, a wide, genuine smile. He’d never understand how he managed to get a friend as great as him.

He glanced at the rest of the team, who all seemed to be clearing away their snacks and drinks.

“Okay, hey everyone!” Endou called, bright as ever, “Time to get back to practice!”

\---

A cool breeze flowed through the park as Kazemaru and Endou talked, they had managed to find a bench sufficiently far from the main paths, so Endou wouldn’t have to worry about anyone overhearing. 

“So… you have a crush on Kidou?” Kazemaru asked nonchalantly, leaning back with his hands behind his head.

“Yeah… I’m not sure how long, but definitely a while,” Endou lost his gaze in the grass at his feet, not willing to confront the warmth in his cheeks. 

“Are you going to tell him?”

“Ah, that's-” Endou struggled to find his words, his tongue suddenly feeling heavier in his mouth, “that’s the bit I’m stuck on,” 

“I say you totally have a chance. Of course, it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking behind those weird goggles but… you should hear the way he talks about you, he really admires you, you know?” The blue-haired boy smiled as he watched his friend slowly turning red.

“R-really?” Endou smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. He felt that strange happiness running over his skin, entwining itself in his heart. But he didn’t dare dwell on it for too long.

“But…” As usual, the constant, dull dread chased after his thoughts, ripping his comfort away, embedding itself even deeper in his chest. God, why did these feelings have to hurt so much? “Even if he did, somehow, feel the same, what if he… what if he feels disgusted when he finds out I’m…” 

He trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. Maybe if he didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be a possibility. Maybe he could convince himself, even for a moment, that he was normal. 

“When he finds out you’re trans?”  
“Yeah…”

With a gaze of concern, Kazemaru folded his arms. He hated seeing Endou so distressed, especially over this. He was the first person he ever told, he was there when he came out to his parents, he even helped him choose his new name. Although he could never truly understand how it felt, he knew how much it ate him up inside, he had seen it. 

“You stayed up practicing again, didn’t you?” 

The silence was answer enough.

“Hey, I doubt it’ll change anything that much, Kidou’s pretty open-minded, right? Anyway, if he does say anything bad about it, I’ll make sure he’ll regret it,” He relaxed as he heard his friend chuckle in response. 

“Thanks, Kazemaru,” He smiled, feeling a bit better despite his trembling hands, “I want to tell him before I… confess… if I do…” The words laid heavy in his chest, his swirling anxieties weighing them down. 

“You don’t owe him an explanation you know…”

“I’d rather get it out of the way now,” Endou sighed, “I mean, I do trust him not to tell anyone else, I’m just scared that things will change…”

“I thought you wanted things to change, wasn’t that the whole point of confessing to him?”

They both laughed, Endou seemed to be feeling better after getting his thoughts out. 

"So, how about we make a plan?"

\---

He had invited Kidou to the riverbank after school, just the two of them. It was usually quiet in the evenings, and the picturesque scene of the river made it as good a place as any to confess. More importantly, Kazemaru’s house was only a few minutes walk away.

Having spent the afternoon playing football and chatting mindlessly about whatever came to mind, they now sat side by side at the edge of the pitch. Endou could feel a desperate tightness in his chest, and he couldn’t really tell if it was his nerves or his binder. He turned to Kidou as the last words of conversation faded away, the soft evening light accompanying the comfortable silence between them, smiling warmly to himself. 

He wished he could stay in that moment forever. The tender tranquility was almost palpable, like a gentle embrace he could gladly melt into. Shifting his legs, careful not to accidentally bump Kidou, he wondered if his embrace would be just as comforting- no, no, he shouldn’t think about that. It didn’t help his racing heart. 

Time seemed to be slipping away too fast for his liking, he knew he couldn’t just sit there and pine. But sifting through his words, trying to string together even a coherent confession, despite how much he’d thought about it, it all got lost in his frantic mind. He only snapped out of it when he heard Kidou clearing his throat.

“Hey, Endou, thank you for inviting me here today, I had fun,” 

“Y-Yeah me too! I like spending time with you,” Endou replied, harsher and more startled than he had intended, but at least he had managed to scramble a sentence together.

“I do as well,” Kidou smiled sweetly, and he almost felt his heart stop. That smile- he remembered why he invited him in the first place.

“Actually I uh-,” He wanted to turn away from Kidou, but he couldn’t bring himself to, “I wanted to tell you something,”

Concern tugged at Kidou’s features, and Endou instantly began to regret his decision. “What is it?”

He hesitated. Every possibility ran through his head- rejection, ridicule, disgust- he felt helpless as every bad outcome stacked itself against him. But as the question hung in the air, he couldn’t put it off anymore. 

“I’m transgender… I was born as a girl,” 

As the words left his mouth, he was overcome by a strange mix of emotions. There was fear, of course, but the relief. It was always strange, to say it out loud. Almost a shock. As if he had never truly come to terms with it- he hadn’t, had he? Only buried his past self with a personality that seemed too positive, slightly unreal. 

It was overwhelming. He already felt light-headed, and Kidou’s reply was yet to come.

“Oh… uh… I can’t say I was expecting that,” he mumbled, furrowing his brow. Endou couldn’t reply, his previous words had taken everything with them. His mouth felt dry.

“But hey, it’s okay, really,” Kidou leaned forward, gently placing his hands over Endou’s which was gripping the grass anxiously. “You’re still you. You’ll always be our captain, Endou Mamoru, nothing changes that. We… We’ll always stand by you, no matter what, everyone will. And I’ll always support you, you really are important to me, you know?”

“I-uh- thank you, Kidou,” He laughed slightly, more exasperated at himself than amused. He was at a complete loss of what to say. Only now did he realise, after all his worrying, he hadn’t considered what to do if it went well.

“Does anyone else know?”

Endou couldn’t help but notice he didn’t move his hand.

“Only people who knew me when I was younger, before I started to transition, like Kazemaru and Aki. Oh, and probably Natsumi as well, she knows everything about everyone,” 

“She does, it’s almost scary, but what else could you expect from the chairman's daughter?” They both laughed. “Anyway… thank you, I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you, not at all… I doubt anything ever could…” He turned his gaze to the sky, absentmindedly tracing Endou’s hand with his thumb, oblivious to the effect his words had on the boy next to him.

“The way you feel?” 

Kidou startled at the question, as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He coughed into his hand, a poor attempt to cover his face, but Endou noticed the not-so-subtle red gracing his cheeks. Shakily, he tried to move his hand away, but Endou laced their fingers together before he could, the warmth of his fingers reassured him.

“N-no, it’s nothing, I just- look, I’ve already poured my heart out to you today, I don’t think I have the strength to do it again,” 

Watching Kidou stutter out his response, Endou could believe what Kazemaru had said was true- maybe he did have a chance.

“Aw, but it was so sweet,” he teased, enjoying watching Kidou’s blush darken “are you sure?”

“Absolutely, maybe it’s your turn,” Still holding his hand to his face, he glanced at Endou. Even with his eyes hidden behind his goggles, he found it difficult to hold his gaze.

Endou pouted, playfully leaning closer, “But I’ve already confessed something today…”

If Kidou couldn’t hear Endou’s heart, it was a miracle. But he didn’t care. With Kidou edging ever so slightly towards him, until their noses here almost brushing, he couldn’t care. The moment hung between them, neither of them wanting to break the awkward yet precious silence between them. 

But Endou couldn’t help it.

He burst out laughing. Slumped against Kidou, resting his head against his shoulder, he felt a bit guilty for ruining it.

“E-Endou?” Kidou sounded nervous, unsure of what was going on, sitting rigidly as Endou calmed down.

“I like you Kidou,” he said softly into his shirt, “I really, really like you,”

Feeling the other relax, Endou knew he had nothing to worry about.

“I like you too,”

It was quiet, muffled against Endou’s hair, as if he didn’t want him to hear it. As if he hadn’t come to terms with it himself. But he said it, and Endou beamed. 

He sat up and held his hand to Kidou’s cheek, “So, will you be my boyfriend?”

“Y-yes, of course…” Kidou replied, completely in awe. It was almost too much for him. Endou could feel the same shock, he doubted he would get this far, that he’d even be able to say it, but it had. He was happy- too happy- he couldn’t find any words to convey how he felt, so he went for the next best thing he could think of. 

“Endou!” Kidou could barely get out his now-boyfriend’s name before he caught him in a tight hug, sending them both to the ground. They were both blushing, trying to stifle their laughs, giddy with excitement. Entirely caught up in their joy. Kidou cupped Endou’s cheek in his hand, to which Endou pressed a gentle kiss to his palm.

It was just a small display of affection- hopefully one of many to come- but Endou had never felt so secure. Secure, not only with Kidou, but with himself. He knew his journey of self-acceptance was far from over, but with Kidou so openly and willingly accepting him, it seemed so much easier than ever before.


End file.
